Time to be honest

Let me just preface this by saying I don't regret staying home with my daughter.  I feel it's every parents' job to be honest about parenthood, don't sugar coat and tell it like it is, so here is my honest post about being a stay-at-home mom.

I've been doing this stay-at-home mom gig for two months now. Some days I'm able to enjoy every moment I have with Joslyn.  She takes a great nap, keeps her whining and tantrums to a minimum and I enjoy the fact that I can sit down and play with her without thinking about the million other things that I should be doing.  Those are the good days.  But to be honest, and that's what this is about, it's more like good moments instead of good days.  Moments when Joslyn runs up and hugs me or climbs into my lap because she wants to be next to me or gives me one of her mega watt smiles.  Or when I can be present in the moment and enjoy the fact that I'm having a tea party with my daughter in the middle of the day on a Tuesday.  I hold onto those moments during the majority of the day to get through until Daddy gets home and I get a break.  I remember them when she's whining so much that all I want to do is lock myself in the bathroom.  Or when I tell her it's time to leave the park because she keeps trying to run into the street and she retaliates by pulling my hair, repeatedly. Or when she spills her milk/juice/food all over the place for the hundredth time that day. I remember those moments when I feel like my entire day consisted of changing diapers, cleaning dishes, trying to decipher what exactly she wants so she'll stop whining, saying no over and over again and wiping off sticky hands.  And did I mention that I never get to go to the bathroom without Joslyn joining me to play with the toilet paper?  I never thought I would miss my private bathroom time so much.  It's a struggle to feel like I never have a moment that's mine during the day.

A couple weeks ago, I was in a funk and I just couldn't snap out of it.  I thought it was because of my sadness over my grandpa passing but I realized that it was mostly me never really dealing with how my life has changed.  With moving, the holidays and then my grandpa passing away, I never really had time to process my new life as a stay-at-home mom in a city where I know no one.  It's a lot of change for one woman to take who is all about a constant routine.  I never considered myself a social person so I didn't realize how much I would miss having adults to talk to every day. I don't miss my job at all but I miss the people.  I miss seeing my work friends every day and having adult conversations.  I miss having somewhere to go every day and a reason to get dressed.  I could stay in my pajamas all day if I want now and that just adds to my funk.  I decided to join the local MOMS Club to meet some women in the area and force myself to get out of the house.  I've only gone to two events so far but it's helped.  We're getting out of the house and Joslyn has so much fun with the other kids.  If I can make one friend out of this, then it's a win.  I also realized that I need to ask for alone time when I feel myself slipping.  When I get short with Joslyn for doing the smallest thing.  Yesterday, I told John I needed some me time so I took myself out to lunch and then went shopping.  I only spent three hours away from the house but I felt rejuvenated when I got home.  It was exactly what I needed and I was able to be more present at home after.  I can't feel guilty for needing that time away from my child because I'm a better mom if I take it.

I'm sure there will be many more days when I want to run away and never come back but I'm realizing that it doesn't make me a bad mom to feel that way....it makes me human.